6 a.m.

When you’ve gone without for so long when does it start to become normal and you make do without? I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about the kind of intimacy that comes with feeling safe emotionally and spiritually. When you know you can sit with someone and say nothing and it’s okay because that same someone appreciates the quiet too and doesn’t shame you for being “too quiet”. When you can be silly and laugh, the kind of laugh that leaves you with an aching tummy from the primal laughter that is deep and long. But when you do have those laughing fits and are told to shush or stop or be quiet, how do you explain how damaging that is to your spirit. So much so, you don’t feel safe laughing in front of that person again. When you’ve gone without for so long you feel broken inside. Just waiting, hoping, wondering when or if that feeling of connection was just a dream or you were only meant to have it once in your life. In which case, if it were the latter, you would’ve made every second count.

When you’ve gone without for so long the standard answer to how are you doing becomes “I’m fine” when actually, you are screaming for some sort of validation that you exist and are a human being. Every step feels like you are dragging a boulder up a hill and the number of acquaintances outweighs the number of chosen family members. And out of those chosen, how many were illusions masquerading as confidants only to turn on a dime never to be seen or heard from again. Do you regret letting someone in? Do you mourn that loss? Do you forgive yourself for playing the sucker or do you file it under “never again” and make a mental note when to recognize the scam artist the next time they come around in a different form?

When you’ve gone without recognition for so long because you started your education late, not because you were busy doing other things, but because you just weren’t ready and it takes you 13 years to get where you wanted to be only to be constantly roadblocked and told why you don’t matter or are good enough. Why you were passed over for that promotion or told “You’re too good at your job we don’t want to lose you”, which is a half-assed excuse that they couldn’t be bothered to find your replacement. I was once told an excuse is a high-class lie you tell yourself. How many lies have you been told and how do you explain how damaging that is to your spirit?

When you know you’ll be mocked for sharing your feelings or thoughts and told to stop being dramatic or that you should stop begging for attention, you’re stuck. Trust is broken, spirit is broken, your existence is broken. And you end up making do.