Support

Growing up, my dad would refer to those who keep track of small details on what they did for you, so now you do for them as “Bean Counting.”  This term, usually used as a negative way to describe financial decisions, was used to describe someone who keeps track of all the times they helped you and places an expectation that you will help them in return.  They fail to see that although helping one another is a give and take scenario, helping someone just for the sake of doing it, not expecting anything in return, is much more satisfying.  In Sanskrit, the term is called Seva, and it means selfless service.  You do something because you want to, not because you keep track of how many times you help and how many times someone else has not.  You do it because you WANT to and you feel called to help, and there are no expectations that come along with it. 

An unbalance comes when that desire to help is taken for granted, and setting boundaries enables us to check ourselves.  If we don’t do this, we are giving those who take advantage of our good nature permission to do so.  They miss the mark when it comes to the concept of having no expectations.  They are missing out on the freeing notion that having no expectations isn’t necessarily bad because if you have no expectations, you can’t be disappointed or resent the person. When busy with life and work and all of the responsibilities that go along with both, it’s easy to forget that those in your support system are also in need of support. If you are going to lean on people regularly for the support you need, and if that support is given freely, you’ve found a gem of a friend or co-worker.

Recalibrating expectations and clarifying boundaries are a must-do when bringing work/life balance into play. So what do you do when that balance is disrupted? I have learned that it’s o.k. to say no.  It’s o.k. to take a break, and it’s o.k. to set or redefine clear expectations that may have been taken for granted.  A new response I’ve been trying out is when an ask is made to me, which I’m not particularly willing to do. I say, “I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes either.”  It allows for those who are doing the ask to know that you aren’t entirely shutting them down but allows them the opportunity to either adjust their ask or ask someone else.  Too often, we place the onus of tasks on ourselves when in reality, they aren’t ours to take on to begin with. 

When liberties are taken, don’t be offended or shocked when those violated push back. Everyone has a limit to how much someone can disrespect their time and attention, and it would behoove you to know those limits and not cross them; you might not like the response if you do.